Round 2

This time I would like to document everyday and try to make everyone know what this feels like. What I dont want to do is make myself seem like a martyr in the process. I mean this is what it is. Its a terrible way to fix a disease but it works so who am I to complain...right? I have my first dose last light which increased to a 5 and a halk hour stay instead of a 2 hour. They added a new drug which is supposed allow me to keep my head during all of this but we'll see. Most doctors have never been through this so they dont know exactly how this feels. Before my treatment began yesterday they called me and wanted details on my first round. I explained the things that bothered me the most and they trie to prescribe things that would help. This is what extended my stay. So the treatment began I began to feel the effects immediatly. Last time it took a couple of days but this time no way. Nausea was first with the "head" thing shortly after. When I say the head thing I am talking about I never experienced until chemo. You begin to feel speparated from the world almost as if your arent there. Everything becomes blurry and a haze forms over things that give off light like TV. I dont want to skip too far and give too much away because like I said I want to document day by day. I'm not going to make this one sad and tell what this does to my emotions, my hope or my heart but these are things I will discuss in the coming days.

Round 1 ...complete...

Well it was most certainly what I can imagine hell on earth to be like. It lasted from about Thursday May 8 to Sunday 18. So 10 days of severe dizziness, headaches , restless leg syndrome, confusion, losing time, being strapped to a bag for 6 days straight, pain, muscles tensing upsever nausea...and it goes on but lets leave it there. I have been uncharacterstically happy and I want to continue with that. Cancer is such a blessing that it creates such low lows that the highs are incredible and completely chemical free. I see people in a different way and I deal with things a different way. Thy joy I get from my children is amplified and its already the single greatest thing in my life. Let me now discuss my wife. Lets take a woman and completely rock her world. Throw off her schedule...make her look after the kids with very little help...not to mention the fact she is having to watch the love of her life become a science experiment and totally change and become emotionless. I never saw her flinch...not once...wow...she knew what she had to do and she did it. I hope she knows how much I love her. I know she does.

Round 1

I remember bits and pieces of the first chemo but not much. I remember certain smells and feelings that are pretty much all chemo related and can be summed up only to the situation. It is without a doubt the most horrible thing I have ever been through so I am looking forward to doing it again. Before I get into me there is something I want to discuss. For some reason there has been a little fact that has been on my mind. For anyone who reads this it is no secret that I love Jesus. I love him as much as I can possibly get out of me and I cant wait to meet him. I bring this up because I have lots of atticipation and the little fact about Jesus has to do with anticipation. I think about chemo and my stomach gets in knots, I get a little nauseated...i might get a smidge of a headache but it stomachs there. If I am dreading something at work?...same thing. I have little things that happen but nothing really major. I cannot get off my mind that before Jesus was to face the world and be crucified well....first of all he knew it was coming but what gets me is that some of you know that he sweat blood. I can't stop thinking about the fear and anguish he must have felt. I cant imagine being so afraid that your body turns on itself and works the wrong way. What torment does your body have to go through for someone to sweat blood? Wow! I have no reason to complain. That right there makes me consider whats about to happen and say bring it on. For whatever reason God has for this I welcome the strength and courage that goes with knowing my heavenly father. I already and the richest man in the world.

So it begins...again

I am about to start chemotherapy again. I never thought I would have to do it again but here I go. I dont want to do this but I do want to watch my children grow up and also I want them to see their father fight. I want them to know that I would never quit. I try for the life of me to remember exactly the way chemo made me feel last time but I can't. All I remember is this cloud of pain, confusion and chaos that my life was during that fight. I remember little bits and pieces of who I became and who I knew I would become. I became a fighter without fear. I learned a lot about myself and how much a person can go through before they know they need God. There is a line in a song by some good friends of mine that asks,"How much suffering will make you fall down?" That's a great question. It's so much better to start on your knees and only walk when God tells you to. The journey, the battle and the test is much simpler if we abide by the rules. "Let go and Let God" seems like such a simple request. Its not a request. I will be writing about this harsh journey in the coming months. I will try and record every emotion, every fear and every tear. I need people to know that its ok to hurt but most importantly its ok to lean on someone when you are hurting. Its ok to tell God "I can't do this alone!" One of the best things I have ever heard was someone saying,"I am the only bible that some people will ever read." Please feel free to read...