Chemo 3 Day 6

My head is full of blurs and weird thoughts. I really can't keep a straight thought. For some reason that all gos away when my son or daughter runs up to me to ask me something or calls me daddy. They are awesome. Chemo sucks. The hardest part about it is the coming and going from the hospital. I can't get comfortable because I am going nonstop for six days. Then wait a day and then go back just for blood work. I have to have someone take me all the to MD Anderson for a simple needle prick. They test for all my levels and make sure I'm still good. I sometimes find myself looking around and asking why me? I swear sometimes I'm the youngest person at MD Anderson. I try and keep my chin up but sometimes its hard. I try to avoid mirrors because they remind me of everything. Overall I just can't wait until this is over.

Round 3 day 2

Today I feel a little worse than yesterday. I am dizzier and a little more out of it. I have involuntary movement in my hands and feet. My stomach hurts and i have an altogether sense of blah. For lack of a better word. I dont what more to say other than this suchs and I hope and pray that no one I know has to face this.


Wade

Round 3 day 1

I am sitting here with my head spinning from the chemo but I wanted to leave a little something. Its really hard to tell which drug does what as far as side affects. The chemo causes so many bad side effects that they give my boatloads of other drugs to counteract them. For example there is a whole mess load of trucks to try and control the nausea. I think I take 5 different drugs to try and control it and I still struggle with nausea. Although one of the drugs causes "munchies". I'm sure you can figure out which one this is. If not think about if for a second and I'm sure you will. I have been very tired today for some reason. I slept through all of my chemo infusion, which is good. The battle of control of my brain has begun. So far I am winning but not for long. I really want to try and keep this up for all six days but its really hard to even do this much. I don't know if everyone has heard but the chemo has stopped the growth of the tumors which is awesome and definitely a step in the right direction. Thank you everyone for your prayers and I love you all.


Wade

Round 3

All kinds of things go through your head when you are battling cancer. I pretty much live at MD Anderson and the sights there unbelievable. They are certainly a reality check to someone who has never been there. I start Round 3 in a few days and once again I am scared. I know whats coming and I hate it with everything in me. I hate how I have to avoid my children for a few days. I hate how I can't remember certain things in the middle. Most of all I hate who I become. I fight with everything in me and I fear there is nothing left for anyone else. I push people away and don't mean to. I am very short and don't mean to be. I just cannot wait until this hurricane is over. I had a CT scan today and the Doctor will tell me tomorrow how the tumors are being affected. To be honest I hope and pray they are completely gone. That would be awesome. The hardest thing about this whole thing is my son Kaden. He recently started calling me Dad. I dont think I'm ready to be Dad. I just got used to Daddy. He is my best friend and he is only 2 and a half. All it takes is for me to look into his eyes and I lose it. I want to fight for him. I want to show him how strong "Dad" is. I want my son to witness a miracle.

Round 2...in the books

I set out to try and document this whole round and try and let everyone see exactly what I was feeling but it didn't work out. After about the second day of infusion I lost the desire mainly because the effects were too bad. The chemo takes your head so far out of reality that its scary. It takes everything in me to not get sick and stay there. The worst by far of each treatment is day 3 - day 8. One day 3 I'm still in infusion and the actual side effects start to rule. I have no memory and to be honest it gets hard to tell whats real and whats a dream. There are a few memories that I have that I am still no sure if they happened or not. My length of infusion has gone from about 2 hours to about 6 hours. This is a terribly long time to be somewhere fighting throwing up and just wanting to be somewhere curled up in a ball. Everything hurts. Everything makes me mad. I remember this being bad but not this bad. I truly believe that we as humans are able to block out certain things from the past so we are not permanantly damaged by them. I hate this more than anything. People are always asking me how it makes me feel. I cant answer that. Before I had to do this I had never felt anything like this. I have 2 down and 4 to go. I will celebrate like nobody's business. I would really like to know who reads this so give me some party ideas.