Life is funny

Now that cancer is over I am going to post little things that I have often wondered about or little things in my life that i do that make me me. Sometimes I wonder if other people have these little quirks. For example, I watch the same movies over and over. When I say this I mean I watch the same movie every night before I fall asleep. I started doing this the first time I had cancer. I found that a certain movie will take you somewhere the first time you see it. Everytime you watch it after that it takes you back to that place even if maybe just a little. Also, I keep the "b" movie industry in business. I love the movie Mallrats. I dont know why. So during chemo I would watch Mallrats every night and fall asleep to it. It would take me to much simpler times before I had ever heard of synovial sarcoma. Lately, its been "Friday after Next". I may only watch 10 minutes of the movie but thats enough to take me there. Music is the other vice that takes me somewhere else. I LOVE MUSIC more than anything. Well, at least more than the obvious..my wife and family. Music is so powerful... it can remind me of a place, a smell or anything that links a song to itself in your mind. I also have a tendency to puts things in lists. Like my top 5 favorite movies, foods etc. I could never do this to music because there are too many. I love some movies for silly reasons. With that said I want to open this up to anyone who wants to tell me a movie they love for a silly reason or even a silly movie they love for any reason. I'll start. I love the movie Grandmas Boy. Its about video games. This movie is so funny and I am a sucker for a movie that makes me laugh out loud. Although I hate slapstick movies like Scary Movie or Epic Movie. You know movies like that. COME ON PLEASE PLAY ALONG.

I am Cancer Free

I went to the doctor October 20 for a series of scans and on October for even more scans and a meeting with the Doc. The doctor was very optomistic and said first all, the thing on my liver is NOT cancer and the spots on my lungs have stablized. This means they are dead. Also the pain I have had in my arm is just an injury. I have been healed. I am a cancer survivor. Its funny how certain things can absolutely change my views on life. I want to work much less and spend more time with my family. My ambition for work has shifted to ambition for my family. I have said this before and Ill say it again. I want my children to see a miracle. More importantly I want my children to have a great daddy. I want them to know how much they mean to me and what I would do for them. I watched a movie not too long ago called "John Q". Basically its about a man who will stop at nothing to get a heart for his son. The was willing to die for the chance of his son living. I feel the same way. I would die for my children. My gosh this life is crazy. I am surrounded by people that cannot figure out the meaning of life or their purpose. This is easy to me. LOVE. I cannot say it enough. Don't sit in a comfort zone and let something great get away. You know who you are. Safety nets are the most dangerous traps on earth.

A kind of deep thought...

I was thinking today as I sometimes do about where I am and who really got me here. I know God is the main reason for all that is good but who exactly did he put in my life and for what reason. What do you do or say when a person who you looked up to has fallen. How do you fix someone who seems to be broken but doesn't seem to care. I know a guy who is a soldier for God and taught me more than i could have ever imagined and in his prime he was amazing. This guy had a sword for the lord..lol. No but really he told you like it was and he was there for you. The first sign of a major challenge tore him apart. I know that I am no one to talk or judge but dammit sometimes you want to say snap out of it. Howie Day said it best when he said," Even the best fall down sometimes."
Back to an update. Of course everything was put on hold because of the storm but I am well. I am well in knowing that I am not in control of anything but praying and praying hard. The rest will happen. I dont care what the Dr says or doubts anyone may have. I have my faith and faith says that healing is very real. So here I am on paper claiming my miracle and I invite all of you to watch. More than this I invite all of you to claim your own. It can be anything not just healing physically. We all need help of some kind. We all need a soldier. We all need that someone who can show us the way. I want someone...anyone who reads this to respond with a prayer. Tell me something you need help with. You don't even have to tell me who you are. Just ask for a prayer. This could be the first step in a very important process.

Chemo number 6!

I have a few things to say in this blog so bear with me. First of all I need to share the best compliment anyone has ever given me. I walked in to the front office at work and the lady that sits behind the counter told me that when she sees me, she sees someone who sees things in a different way. Automatically I was a little surprised. She went on to tell me that when she sees me, she sees God. This brought tears to my eyes. Its amazing how a sickness can tear your physical body apart but bring your heart and spirit to the father. I pray that I am able to appear to more people this way. I pray more than anything that I can appear to my children this way.
Chemo number 5 was a whole lot of the same. A little more painful than most. It seems like sessions 1,3 and 5 were the worst so hopefully 6 won't be as bad. I am sitting here in the hospital writing this so this certainly on my mind. I don't know if mentioned this but the steroids I take have made me a steroid induced diabetic. What this means basically is I have type 2 diabetes which is very controllable. I have to give myself 5 shots a day in my stomach which isn't so bad other than remembering to do it.
I will write more as the almighty treatment number 6 progresses.



P.S. please post anything you wish to say.

My Cleansing

I am not one to sit here and talk about the pain I've been through or look at me and all I have overcome. Looking back I can honestly say that most 32 year olds do not know the pain and discomfort that I know. I truly believe that God allows us to go through certain things to prune or cleanse us so we can here him. Does God want me to hurt? NO! Will God allow it so he can reach me? YES. God gave the ultimate sacrifice to so he could reach me. I am learning how healing works. One of the most important things someone ever told me was that God has done all he is ever going to do. I thought...well that sux. It doesn't. God has already healed the sick, blessed all of us and given us all the love we will ever need. Heres the catch. We have to know how to get to these things. Think of it as a river flowing. In this river is healing, security and blessings. However there is 1000 ft. tall wall surrounding the river and there is no logical way to get over it. On the other hand there is a note by note, word for word map that tells how to get to around it and best of all what exactly is in it. This is very real. God has already healed me. Its up to me to speak the word and get close to him so he can show me. I'm working on it.

Chemo Treatment number 4

This is a little late but I figured I would tell everyone who doesn't know, what happened during the last treatment. The doctor felt that my neurotoxicity was getting a little bad to let go so they decided to put me in the hospital for the duration of the treatment. To make a long story short the effects while I was in the hospital were much better but the aftermath was still pretty rough. There is no easy way to deal with chemo. I am learning about humility and pride though. I learning even more about patience. They are giving me a premed that is a steroid that is causing my blood sugar to skyrocket. They might even think I am a diabetic now. This is such a battle of the mind that sometimes I am mentally exhausted. I put my wife and kids through a mess with mood swings. I am so blessed to have them though. They are most definitely the best medicine. I will begin my next treatment on Friday 8/1 the day after I have a cat scan and talk to my doctor. We are almost there. Praise God!

Chemo 3 Day 6

My head is full of blurs and weird thoughts. I really can't keep a straight thought. For some reason that all gos away when my son or daughter runs up to me to ask me something or calls me daddy. They are awesome. Chemo sucks. The hardest part about it is the coming and going from the hospital. I can't get comfortable because I am going nonstop for six days. Then wait a day and then go back just for blood work. I have to have someone take me all the to MD Anderson for a simple needle prick. They test for all my levels and make sure I'm still good. I sometimes find myself looking around and asking why me? I swear sometimes I'm the youngest person at MD Anderson. I try and keep my chin up but sometimes its hard. I try to avoid mirrors because they remind me of everything. Overall I just can't wait until this is over.

Round 3 day 2

Today I feel a little worse than yesterday. I am dizzier and a little more out of it. I have involuntary movement in my hands and feet. My stomach hurts and i have an altogether sense of blah. For lack of a better word. I dont what more to say other than this suchs and I hope and pray that no one I know has to face this.


Wade

Round 3 day 1

I am sitting here with my head spinning from the chemo but I wanted to leave a little something. Its really hard to tell which drug does what as far as side affects. The chemo causes so many bad side effects that they give my boatloads of other drugs to counteract them. For example there is a whole mess load of trucks to try and control the nausea. I think I take 5 different drugs to try and control it and I still struggle with nausea. Although one of the drugs causes "munchies". I'm sure you can figure out which one this is. If not think about if for a second and I'm sure you will. I have been very tired today for some reason. I slept through all of my chemo infusion, which is good. The battle of control of my brain has begun. So far I am winning but not for long. I really want to try and keep this up for all six days but its really hard to even do this much. I don't know if everyone has heard but the chemo has stopped the growth of the tumors which is awesome and definitely a step in the right direction. Thank you everyone for your prayers and I love you all.


Wade

Round 3

All kinds of things go through your head when you are battling cancer. I pretty much live at MD Anderson and the sights there unbelievable. They are certainly a reality check to someone who has never been there. I start Round 3 in a few days and once again I am scared. I know whats coming and I hate it with everything in me. I hate how I have to avoid my children for a few days. I hate how I can't remember certain things in the middle. Most of all I hate who I become. I fight with everything in me and I fear there is nothing left for anyone else. I push people away and don't mean to. I am very short and don't mean to be. I just cannot wait until this hurricane is over. I had a CT scan today and the Doctor will tell me tomorrow how the tumors are being affected. To be honest I hope and pray they are completely gone. That would be awesome. The hardest thing about this whole thing is my son Kaden. He recently started calling me Dad. I dont think I'm ready to be Dad. I just got used to Daddy. He is my best friend and he is only 2 and a half. All it takes is for me to look into his eyes and I lose it. I want to fight for him. I want to show him how strong "Dad" is. I want my son to witness a miracle.

Round 2...in the books

I set out to try and document this whole round and try and let everyone see exactly what I was feeling but it didn't work out. After about the second day of infusion I lost the desire mainly because the effects were too bad. The chemo takes your head so far out of reality that its scary. It takes everything in me to not get sick and stay there. The worst by far of each treatment is day 3 - day 8. One day 3 I'm still in infusion and the actual side effects start to rule. I have no memory and to be honest it gets hard to tell whats real and whats a dream. There are a few memories that I have that I am still no sure if they happened or not. My length of infusion has gone from about 2 hours to about 6 hours. This is a terribly long time to be somewhere fighting throwing up and just wanting to be somewhere curled up in a ball. Everything hurts. Everything makes me mad. I remember this being bad but not this bad. I truly believe that we as humans are able to block out certain things from the past so we are not permanantly damaged by them. I hate this more than anything. People are always asking me how it makes me feel. I cant answer that. Before I had to do this I had never felt anything like this. I have 2 down and 4 to go. I will celebrate like nobody's business. I would really like to know who reads this so give me some party ideas.

Round 2

This time I would like to document everyday and try to make everyone know what this feels like. What I dont want to do is make myself seem like a martyr in the process. I mean this is what it is. Its a terrible way to fix a disease but it works so who am I to complain...right? I have my first dose last light which increased to a 5 and a halk hour stay instead of a 2 hour. They added a new drug which is supposed allow me to keep my head during all of this but we'll see. Most doctors have never been through this so they dont know exactly how this feels. Before my treatment began yesterday they called me and wanted details on my first round. I explained the things that bothered me the most and they trie to prescribe things that would help. This is what extended my stay. So the treatment began I began to feel the effects immediatly. Last time it took a couple of days but this time no way. Nausea was first with the "head" thing shortly after. When I say the head thing I am talking about I never experienced until chemo. You begin to feel speparated from the world almost as if your arent there. Everything becomes blurry and a haze forms over things that give off light like TV. I dont want to skip too far and give too much away because like I said I want to document day by day. I'm not going to make this one sad and tell what this does to my emotions, my hope or my heart but these are things I will discuss in the coming days.

Round 1 ...complete...

Well it was most certainly what I can imagine hell on earth to be like. It lasted from about Thursday May 8 to Sunday 18. So 10 days of severe dizziness, headaches , restless leg syndrome, confusion, losing time, being strapped to a bag for 6 days straight, pain, muscles tensing upsever nausea...and it goes on but lets leave it there. I have been uncharacterstically happy and I want to continue with that. Cancer is such a blessing that it creates such low lows that the highs are incredible and completely chemical free. I see people in a different way and I deal with things a different way. Thy joy I get from my children is amplified and its already the single greatest thing in my life. Let me now discuss my wife. Lets take a woman and completely rock her world. Throw off her schedule...make her look after the kids with very little help...not to mention the fact she is having to watch the love of her life become a science experiment and totally change and become emotionless. I never saw her flinch...not once...wow...she knew what she had to do and she did it. I hope she knows how much I love her. I know she does.

Round 1

I remember bits and pieces of the first chemo but not much. I remember certain smells and feelings that are pretty much all chemo related and can be summed up only to the situation. It is without a doubt the most horrible thing I have ever been through so I am looking forward to doing it again. Before I get into me there is something I want to discuss. For some reason there has been a little fact that has been on my mind. For anyone who reads this it is no secret that I love Jesus. I love him as much as I can possibly get out of me and I cant wait to meet him. I bring this up because I have lots of atticipation and the little fact about Jesus has to do with anticipation. I think about chemo and my stomach gets in knots, I get a little nauseated...i might get a smidge of a headache but it stomachs there. If I am dreading something at work?...same thing. I have little things that happen but nothing really major. I cannot get off my mind that before Jesus was to face the world and be crucified well....first of all he knew it was coming but what gets me is that some of you know that he sweat blood. I can't stop thinking about the fear and anguish he must have felt. I cant imagine being so afraid that your body turns on itself and works the wrong way. What torment does your body have to go through for someone to sweat blood? Wow! I have no reason to complain. That right there makes me consider whats about to happen and say bring it on. For whatever reason God has for this I welcome the strength and courage that goes with knowing my heavenly father. I already and the richest man in the world.

So it begins...again

I am about to start chemotherapy again. I never thought I would have to do it again but here I go. I dont want to do this but I do want to watch my children grow up and also I want them to see their father fight. I want them to know that I would never quit. I try for the life of me to remember exactly the way chemo made me feel last time but I can't. All I remember is this cloud of pain, confusion and chaos that my life was during that fight. I remember little bits and pieces of who I became and who I knew I would become. I became a fighter without fear. I learned a lot about myself and how much a person can go through before they know they need God. There is a line in a song by some good friends of mine that asks,"How much suffering will make you fall down?" That's a great question. It's so much better to start on your knees and only walk when God tells you to. The journey, the battle and the test is much simpler if we abide by the rules. "Let go and Let God" seems like such a simple request. Its not a request. I will be writing about this harsh journey in the coming months. I will try and record every emotion, every fear and every tear. I need people to know that its ok to hurt but most importantly its ok to lean on someone when you are hurting. Its ok to tell God "I can't do this alone!" One of the best things I have ever heard was someone saying,"I am the only bible that some people will ever read." Please feel free to read...

Art

To start I would life to say that these blog entries are to benefit no one except me. They are meant to allow my brain to offload some of what it has stored for that day. Some of the entries are meaningful and some are not. However they all help me be me.

I was sitting today thinking about art and those who make it. There are a whole group of people who call themselves "artists" who live a very different life. Forgive me but I am about to speak stereotypically of a group of people that may not deserve my ridicule. "Artists" can do lots of things that most of us can't and they do them in the name of art. They can stack trash or draw a stick figure and call it art when anyone could have done this. They can stop showering for days and it is supposed to mean something or some sort of rebellion. They think just because they are "artists" they can live behind this wall and be different from the rest of us. The wall is what I have a problem with. We are all afraid. We are all confused. Artists can hide behind walls of existentialism in order to make the world think they have figured it out. I won't conform because I am misunderstood and I am alone. The truth is we are all the same. We all are born with a hole. How we fill this hole is up to us. Some choose drugs. Some choose Money. Some choose pornography. Some choose art. The idea here is that it has to be filled. I understand art. I am a musician so I understand music and the wantonness of wanting to be unique. I am me. There are no more walls and no more beating around the bush. Life is too short

My wife...

I have been thinking on and on this past week about what to say. There are few times in this life when everything seems very right. For a split second you are in the right place at the right time and the world around you stops. It's a moment that is frozen and for the rest of time it is written in your face as part of who you are. This has happened only a handful of times and on time sticks out as the single point in time that my life changed forever. I walked in a room and saw my wife. They say you know the "ONE" when you meet them, Oh and I knew. I felt something I had never felt in my life. My life made sense. Butterflies were an understatement. All of the moments in my life that maybe cast a shadow of a doubt about my purpose were answered. I was put on this earth to love this woman. I was put on this earth to take care of her and now I know I was put on this earth to be the father of her children. I often try to think of interesting and poetics ways to tell her I love her. Sometimes are better than others and sometimes are just silly. The only thing she needs to know is that she is one of the only things in my life that is real. She is my first breath in the morning and she is my last breath at night. She is the breath I need when I can't find my own. She is the flicker of candle in a dark room. She is hope. She is my everything.

Tidbits...

I was walking down the sidewalk today near the building I work when I passed by a man. As I got closer he got more excited and began to figit and smile nervously. I knew what was coming next as I had heard it so many times before. Here it comes... here it comes..."do you have some change?", he asked. I was put out as I always am. I reached in my pocket as I usually do and found a dollar. I handed him this dollar and he said the only thing he could say. It was something he had always said. It was part of him. "God bless you", he said. All at once something occured to me. It wasn't from where in this man this was coming from. It really didnt matter how this message got to me. What mattered was where it hit me. How did a simple message like "God Bless You" hit me? Thats all that really matters. Too often we are so worried about the people delivering the message that the focus is off of ourselves and the message.

A day in the Life...

Sometimes I wonder if life is gonna get easier. I sit back and think of all the things going on and wonder if everyone has all of these problems. Cancer alone is mindboggler. It consumes my brain all the time not to mention when other things pop up and creates a whirlwind of stress. Sometimes I feel like I can't take this...Something has got to give...and then it happens. I see my children. I look into the eyes of something that God has graciously allowed me to create. I see hope. I see love. I see life. Its then and only then that I know my purpose. Despite anything that comes up I am on a mission. I will teach these angels the meaning of life. I am so blessed to know the meaning of life at such a young age. Chirst is the only thing we are supposed to learn. We are supposed to learn everything we can about him while we are here. God has given us so many pictures to learn from that we have no excuse not to understand. God is the father! Just as our fathers love us so much...that is how God loves us. He loves us the way we love our children. I don't about you but I love my children so much it hurts. I hurt when they hurt, I laugh when they laugh and I love everything they do. This is the picture God wants us to know and learn.